CHERRYCUPCAKES !

2012-02-14T15:20:00.001+08:00

Ah jerlyn, you stupid stupid girl.

What were you thinking? /: there's no way that will come true, so stop dreaming, start facing reality.

I can't believe you were just so stupid ugh.

2012-02-08T18:01:00.002+08:00

Can't take it anymore, disintegrating. Doesn't matter if you don't want to listen, I know no one wants to anyway.

Don't want to take it anymore. The side effects are killing me. Especially in a time as this.

Its hard to go forward, when everything is against you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, I really really wish from the bottom of my heart that everything will go away.

Its not within my control, that's what makes it so frustrating.

Things had happened, and my heart's desire is to bury it 10 feet down and never dig it up again. Never to be heard of, never to be spoken of.

But the main thing that dog me recently was judgemental people. I really hate it when I tell people my ambitions and they go like,"continue wishing, because it's tough, yadayada." just because I'm a retainee. what kind of injustice is this? So only pure science people can be lawyers, pure science people can go to junior colleges, pure science people can do this and that and combined science students are just spposed to feel inferior? JUST BE QUIET OKAY.

I know its tough, i know i'm a retainee. But the sweetest thing of my retention was that I picked myself up, and I'm going along pretty well. Better than before. I wouldn't mind telling people I'm a retainee, because I KNOW that after i say that, I will be a living testimony that failures are only temperamental. Its how you pick yourself up and MOVE ON that matters. And eventually, even the NT people might be a pure science student's boss, for that matter.

The world is just so judgemental, and it just irritates me that people are looking at normal students and retainees like as though we are out of their league, and like, COME ON, grow up. Looking down on people WONT make you look better, it makes you look worse. Because even though you might be a straight A student, your character sucks, and thats what really matters to me.

I dont really care if anyone is offended by this because this is the actual fact. The truth hurts, and if you have read up to this point and feel guilty for rubbing your stupid paper in people's faces, GO AND APOLOGISE TO THEM.

It sounds stupid, it sounds insane, but do it. I can testify that I have nearly attempted suicide from the pressure caused by this comparisons, and for all you know you might save someone. I don't know, and I can't say anything, but honestly, this comparisons and statuses hurt, though it seems alright on the outside.

I'm not perfect, I admit, because when I had become part of the A-student group last year, I got arrogant and rubbed it in people's faces, but I've turned around and don't care about stupid grade comparisons because I realised that it only makes people feel worse. And it doesn't bring me joy seeing my friends all melancholic about everything.

The feeling sucks.

I've concluded that people work hard for themselves. I used to think lowly of myself, but I realised that I only think lowly of myself because of society, which judges so cruelly and made me feel inferior. But I realised that I'm capable of so much more than a mere office woman sucking up shit from the people above me.

I WILL PROUDLY SAY I WILL BE DOING SOMETHING THAT IT MEANINGFUL AND SATISFACTORY TO MYSELF, UP TO MY OWN STANDARDS.

I aspire to be a lawyer. Defend those on death row, give others a second chance to live, to repent. I believe that I WILL impact somebody's life, and THATS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

who are you to judge? (;

2012-02-05T22:05:00.002+08:00

Feel like leaving everything behind, right now.

Why must everything be the way it is?

Im tired of thinking. Im getting massive headaches. Please come to an end. I want to be strong, I don't want to crumble. Tinges, heat, agitation, Im tired of it. I want out please, I want out.

Adiou, my dear. For what happens, happens for a reason.
There may come a day our paths may cross, I can't guarantee, but for now, so long darling.

I love you.

2012-01-27T22:43:00.002+08:00

Tugging at the heartstrings. How I wonder why this happens, no point crying over spilt milk.

Live, and take life as it is, I'm not prepared for this. I don't want to prepare for this.

Is it too late for an apology? Appreciate, and love.

2012-01-25T20:26:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I ask God why didn't He make things easier, created me a little smarter, make the world around me a better place.

I guess too many times I've fixed my eyes upon things that are so temporary, and even worrying about this earthly life that I wasn't destined to live forever.

Too many times I forgot to thank God for my trials, my struggles, my anguish- for I wouldn't be the same without them.

As I go through each season of life, I ask God what is it He's teaching me.

In my heart I yearn for a change of heart, that I may no longer dwell in the tents of the unrighteous but walk upon this journey He laid out for me.

It doesn't take extraordinary faith, in fact you just need it the size of a mustard seed, but it takes an extraordinary step.

Dear Lord, take my hand and walk with me. I don't have to leap yet, but I need to take that step.

The world outside overwhelms my spirit, but Your love demands my soul- and so, take me as I am.

lyrics- they explain everything.

2012-01-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

For you, my dear.

2012-01-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

Im living my own life;

Admit it or not, I guess sometimes we wished we were others, imagining what it would be like if we have what they have, think like they do, live like no one cared.

Deep inside you know the kind of life you'd deem to suffer, but yet you still yearn.

Well aware of the consequences and the side effects but I guess that's when the test of temptation comes in.

Walk by faith and not by sight.

Its easy to say that God will provide but sometimes it take long to sink in.

Faith doesn't need any explanation, it doesn't have.

Many times I wonder why the world works this way, Im kinda tired.

Then I try in my insignificant self, to try and imagine how God must feel watching us waste away like that.

So many times I wish I was a better person, that I may please Him in all I do.

But we fall, I fall.

Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself.

Something I pray I will have.

The clouds in my head are overwhelming, rain, Jesus, reign.

2012-01-18T21:20:00.001+08:00

When the things of this world gnaw at your bones, threaten to suck every form of life within, you're told to be strong and hold on.

Nobody said it was easy, but noone told me it was this hard too.

Sometimes I do wish I could forget about everything, sit on the river bank flushing my worries away so they could eventually venture into the bottom of the ocean where they belong.

When nature strikes, all I do after the struggle is lay silent in resignation.

Please stop, please do.

Dear Lord, help me rise above my circumstance.

I want to dwell in Your house forever,

yet why does the world take me away?

Guard my heart, dear Lord.

Im like a nomad, waiting for a place to settle.

Vast deserts seem treacherous, find rest my soul.

Let not my heart be captured by the wind, a futile chase.

Fix my eyes dear Lord, guide me.

I don't want to wander anymore.

2012-01-15T11:15:00.002+08:00

Have faith, keep believing, there's a rainbow after each thunderstorm.

One hug, some reassurance, is that too much to ask for? Holding on to that bit of hope, I need help.

Praying is getting very annoying, because nothing comes through, thinking of stupid stuff. Jerlyn, no.

My game plan. Learn it, live it, love it. Time to up my game, and play this well. Dont give up until the last whistle blows, hoping, holding, fading, gone.

Oh, Jerlyn, you of little faith.

2012-01-09T20:19:00.002+08:00

Jerlyn, do not be afraid of what comes thereafter because your Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Demoralised, insecure, this is my doing. I don't want to do this anymore.

Honey, you're not there yet.

Hold on, fight on, press on.

How?

Strength is in the mind, strength is in the Lord.

2012-01-08T18:40:00.001+08:00

So today was my 10 month anniversary with my girlfriend and I decided to surprise her with a candle lit dinner in a tent in my backyard. I tricked her into thinking I was gonna take her to a fancy restaurant. She was so surprised when she saw a bigass tent in my backyard and I led her into it. My bestfriend Jayson also helped me by being our personal waiter. He was dressed and everything. He did a great job serving us bread sticks, pasta, and pouring wine. I can honestly say this is the best date I ever had or ever came up with. The best thing about the date was not only how big my girlfriends smile was the whole time but when she broke down in tears when I gave her a collage that I made her. This was the first time I’ve ever made her cry for the right reasons and that gave me the most satisfying feeling ever. So I recently just realized how much this girl meant to me. So all I gotta say is guys you should treat your girls right, make her special, and never forget to tell her how beautiful she is! I love you Lara Maria Ronquillo Cruz Tiglao <3

this guy deserves a thumbs up.

2012-01-08T11:41:00.002+08:00

"Jer, you stupid stupid girl, if you miss Him, TELL HIM, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, and not sit at home and cry about it, and now worse, blog about it."

"I know, but something's holding me back from going back.."

"what?"

"I don't know. The people? The atmosphere? Something's not right."

"The only thing not right here, is your heart, honey. And nothing will change unless you change that."

"What's wrong with it? It's fully functional, still beats when its supposed to, my heart's alright."

"Mindset, honey. God knows what you're thinking now, and He's asking you back. Why say no, when He's waiting with arms wide open?"

"Because I'm too ashamed."

I need someone to continue this conversation for me. A conversation with myself always gets stuck here. ALWAYS HAPPENS.

2011-12-25T18:07:00.000+08:00

To us a Child is born.

Remembering the reason for the season, really glad this day happened 2000 over years ago :)

Struggled again, wondering what God's planning for my life right now.

More than the presents, more than the scrumptous food, more than the friends, more than family,
my prayer today is for God to move in my life once again.

So many emotions, so many thoughts, so many questions.
'Seek Ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things shall be added unto you.'
Always yearning for God's touch, but I'm not putting in any effort.
Was reading Exodus this morning, and I guess God told me that He's not going
to just put things in my life so easily without me longing and yearning hard for it,
because then faith doesn't play any part in it. God doesn't work like that.
On the other hand, even when you choose to obey Him, doubt creeps in.
Insecurities, unworthiness--- But I learnt, you have to cling on to God, no matter what.

One of the most prominent things that popped out at me yesterday was that
People will disappoint. but...
God doesn't fail.
and I have to stop expecting so much, but instead focus on His word.

Dear child, do not be afraid. Even if you feel lost, you are not alone.
For I will never leave you nor forsake you. Trust me.

Dear God, grant me an extra portion of discipline and faith this Christmas.

2011-12-22T21:21:00.002+08:00

Confusion, depression, I can't stop this feeling.

I don't want to know that its true, please, I've enough drama. I'm happy the way things are now, i don't want anything else to complicate things.

I feel so.. argh.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me. why is my reflection someone I dont know? Somehow i cannot find who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?

2011-12-22T10:15:00.003+08:00

why? why do things happen the way they are?
Is it just satan being such a pain, or is it because I don't know what my heart wants?

Such stuff are too complicated to comprehend. I'm scared.
'What if's are popping up in my head again.

What if this, what if that, what if I weren't the person that I am?
What if things happened to go another direction?
What if I said 'yes' instead of 'no'?

Ultimately, I will still cause something negative to happen. Why me?
I need answers to many questions.

I need someone to talk to, but somethings can't be told to the outside world, because of judgemental reasons.

I don't feel secure dealing it with myself. I don't feel secure sharing it with others. I don't feel secure in my life.

I want this whole episode to just stop, and end it already. It has been dragging for far too long. They say that each period in your life is like a chapter in a book. Well, this chapter is getting to draggy. Its author is tired of writing it, its readers are bored of reading it. You know why? Because it's repeating the same plot again and again only with different characters, to the extent that the lead character is sick and tired of it.

Wrap this up, and not bring it up again, please? Because everytime I think its the end of the chapter, I flip to the next page, and BAM! another plot comes. WHYYYYYY?!

I feel like screaming out to God to buck up his game, cuz THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR. I didn't ask for a lifelong drama show. I did not ask for such an insane heart that feels guilty to everything. I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS CRAP.

WHAT IS THIS FOR ?!

2011-12-20T21:59:00.004+08:00

and then my heart with pleasure fills, and dance with the daffodils :)

Weather has been gloomy and all I can do is be sedentary and study :(
Days of not running has heavily taken a toll on me.
Hoping the weather turns for the better and so does my mood.
Feel like shutting down, there's no fire, there's just burden.
Now another huge rock has descended and I guess I'll never see light if I continue.
I'll most likely call it an end by the end of next year.
As for now, have to convince others to replace me ---

You can't lose what you never had.
Pleasure comes nonetheless with whatever you're holding so tightly.
And like spilt milk, there's no use crying over it.
Best if you never had your glass filled,
so you'll never know how it feels like to have it emptied.

With the wind in my hair,
my heart leading the way,
my legs taking me there.

2011-12-19T09:52:00.002+08:00

From a thousand miles

Ever felt so convicted to do something yet each time you try it fails?

Dear friend, I hope one day you’ll learn to listen.

Brought back to the past last night, over the phone. I can testify that music CAN bring back memories, be it good or bad, and somehow, ALL music i hear leads to something tragical. why, i dont know.

But anyway, I thought I had buried the hatchet and never going to bring it up again until I heard significant songs that dug it up again, which nearly brought me to tears.

Tearing now, listening to "thousand miles" by Vanessa Carlton. this song, as nice and beautiful as it sounds, is a form of depression to me. because of significant reasons, I wonder why I love this song despite of the memories that comes along with it.

I think life's being difficult to me.

I think of my life all the time, and question why I think its so tough, living for God, living to make an impression. No doubt, it is, but then I look at the 3rd world countries and I say, WHATS THIS COMPARED TO THEM?!

And then, i know that whatever happens, its caused by me. I guess I'm that overly-concerned type of person, and I WANT to help people, even if it means going beyond my capacity. Everytime I see myself cry out for the people of this small nation, I know at that point of time, that God WILL do something. But after a while, my cries become desperate and I still don't see anything being done. EVEN THE CHRISTAS SPIRIT HAS DISAPPEARED FROM THIS RED DOT WHY. okay fine, even if people don't think the Christmas as the birth of Christ, THE BARE MINIMUM IS TO SEE IT AS A SEASON OF GIVING. But all I see is selfishness, NOT selflessness.

Even Justin Beiber says that "it's the most beautiful time of the year." and the past few years AT LEAST there were elevator music or music playing in the background of shops, to re-emphasise this joyous occasion. But now when I wak by shops, I hear metal, I hear LMFAO, I hear Justin Beiber, I hear everything EXCEPT christmas songs. why?

Its so heartbreaking to see the nation in this state, and I often question, if Singapore, a tiny red dot, cannot even celebrate christmas properly, what more the globe? I told myself, to change something, to get Singapore saved. And I look at this scenario and I question the scale of this "project". it's so hard, i don't know how am I going to start.

sigh, so many things going on in my head. God, help.

2011-12-18T09:12:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered why things happen, and never know the rationale behind it?
Have you ever wanted to know why things happen so maybe there was something you could do to fix it?
Have you ever experienced a friendship strong enough you thought could brave the hurricane, fall and crash?

I know. It sucks.

God, why? It hurts.
They say that if you love someone, you will let them go and be happy about it.
Okay, so what you're saying is, let this friendship I TREASURED go, and still act as if nothing happened?
YOU WISH.
conclusion: SCREW THAT LOGIC. Who even came up with that to begin with? O.o

All I know is, pray, have faith and watch things happen. Thats all I can do now. :/

On a lighter note, watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Puss in Boots yesterday ;)
Had my first marche meal for lunch, and ramen for dinner, so $50+ disappeared from my wallet ):

BROKE. Can I declare bankrupt now hahaha.

2011-12-12T11:03:00.007+08:00

okay, so I'm not a huge fan of ranting on and on about my life in words, so they say a picture speaks a thousand words, and since it's somewhat a "shortcut" in expressing my thoughts, I'll get the pictures to tell you everything

firstly, since 2011 is coming to an end and 2012 is coming,

secondly, I feel that,

with

because

and people don't deserve to suffer everyday. but it will be hard and everytime I feel like I want to die cuz this is too much for me to handle,

Thirdly, I'm just being human when I say that sometimes I want to have a relationship whereby

and all the time I wish

that when I get into a relationship, my boyfriend will sing to me

even though he may not sound perfect, but

But i strongly believe that

okay, so I may have received a lot of

from random people, but no one has ever been able to really sweep me off my two feet, and people never know how I feel because when I'm like this,

people think I'm just being pretty and glam and whatnot, without offering any consoling words or words of concern as to why I'm in that state, and so I'm always

and

But I know that one day that person will come into my life, and all I need is

But Jesus' always #1 in my heart, and God,

2011-12-11T10:03:00.005+08:00

It's been so long since I last updated this blog.

hm. Junior's sleeping now, enjoying the cool weather (rain, sigh, oh rain).
anyway, the while that I've been away had been pretty exciting.

NPCC chalet was amazing, had fun times catching up with juniors and officers. :] but pity I could only go at night 'cuz I have work in the morning.
Speaking of which, off day tmoz 'cuz I requested for an alternate day work schedule, so I can start picking up momentum for Os next year
WHICH I OBVIOUSLY AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO
nevertheless all's going to go well in God's plan, yeahhhh :]

I seriously owe it all to stanley, for introducing me to his friends and whatnot, and asking me out for the flash mob,
'cuz I had a lot of fun, and realised that girls aint that difficult to click with. heh :]
Made new friends, which is one of life's most exciting moments (or as to me) and i witnessed my first real-life proposal, which nearly bring me to tears 'cuz it was just so.. amazing, breath-taking, i dont even know what word could comprehend that moment, but it was just so.. magical.

yesterday was the finale, or the actual proposal at sg flyer, and Lynn had been so amazing, listening to me and sharing her experiences with me.
I was thinking of Marcus, and how much he was so afraid to go ite or whatnot after Ns, and i shared it with her. She was so encouraging and motivating, 'cuz she told me that in primary school, she was in EM3, and moved on to N(A) in secondary school. Took the 5-year course and went to a polytechnic, now taking a degree.
I think at that time in primary school, or secondary school, people would have said she couldn't make it in life and whatnot, but she proved them all wrong. SUCCESS STORY RIGHT.
One thing that was implanted in my heart so evidently was that she said this point which also was a reminder to me. "It doesn't matter what journey or what cert you get, 'cuz at the end of the day, you only have yourself to account for and you don't have to care about what others say 'cuz when you have the earning power and it overrules them, thats when you know you've done it. See who laughs last."
When she said that, I was brought back to last year, when I had to repeat sec 3, and I realised that as long as I do my best, there'll be no regrets 'cuz God's always there for me and helping me along. Jeremiah 29:11.

I think that God has an awesome plan ahead for me and I'll keep striving, knowing that my future career, home, life, boyfriend, husband, friends, whatever, is waiting for me to get there. I'm so excited to know what God's up to with my life, and this excitement's pushing me to work harder to give me hints on what will happen. :]

teehee. God's so amazing

2011-11-30T20:01:00.001+08:00

“It was being a runner that mattered, not how fast or how far I could run. The joy was in the act of running and in the journey, not in the destination. We have a better chance of seeing where we are when we stop trying to get somewhere else. We can enjoy every moment of movement, as long as where we are is as good as where we'd like to be. That's not to say that you need to be satisfied forever with where you are today. But you need to honor what you've accomplished, rather than thinking of what's left to be done (p. 159).”
John Bingham, No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running

Everything about work was interesting, well to me at the very least.
But it's just me. I'm conflicting. I was all hyped up and ready to take on
the challenge of becoming a committed worker, but I all I was left with was questions
for God on whether I was capable of pursuing this ambition of mine.
I'm so afraid He might take it all away and call me for something utterly new.
But nonetheless I still know His decision is forever the best for me
but yet.... I always doubt. As human, I'm always wanting things to go my way.
As Mum said: Take it one step at a time.
Maybe what she said is right, but sometimes it's hard to lay it all down
to God's decision and time to settle everything, since setting on an empty
goal is frustrating and discouraging sometimes. I'll have to pray about it.

Contentment.

Living in a world as such, (well there isn't any other to choose from, is there?)
things and people are coming straight at you and you're exposed to all temptations.
What truly keeps one satisfied? There's always something new and enticing
that wants to steal your heart away. God wouldn't want it, but He'll let it if He chooses.
There, a reminder of His love again. Even though He wouldn't want it, He'll let it,
if we choose it. Reminds me of the heart-wrenching story of Hosea,
leading me back to the ultimate heart break of God Himself.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't human. I wish I could be the perfect servant for Him.
I wish I could make Him smile and not make Him worry instead,
so that He'll pat me on the back and say ''Well done my good and faithful servant."
It's tough living for Him, it's tough.

I struggle, but I pray. God never wants to let go, too many a time it's us.
The things of this world is ever so enticing, so promising.
It promises pleasure and what we term as happiness,
and the issue about happiness is in itself another long discussion.
It's tough to pursue something that you cannot feel.
But I guess it's all worth it when you feel occasional whispers
and words of encouragement from God, telling you it's all okay.
And so many times it is, because He always makes a way.

Never gonna figure God out, never will. But I'm striving.
I'll be striving for Him and witness His mercies, I'll be striving.
It's tough but I'll try.

2011-11-27T09:29:00.002+08:00

it's been so long since I last posted, but only cuz work's being a bitch and all. ahaha.

So yesterday was a day of laziness and even though it was sunny
during the day and poured during the evening but it was still nice :)

Attended some concert by st gabs, pres high, and st marg i think, and it was 2 hours of singing. so thankful that it was over ><

work tomorrow, tired. payday on wed (woohoo)

Please pray for God to give me extra strength, cos I can't handle
the future on my own. I can feel the overwhelming intensity heating up :/

Dear Child, be contented.

2011-11-15T22:04:00.002+08:00

There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Indeed, I'm always dreaming of moving mountains, moving my own, moving others'.
Sometimes I wish if I summoned all my strength, if it ever were enough, that I'll clear their skies.
Motivational posters are telling you to walk over that mountain if you ever want to see the other side,
but sometimes looking from above at that lonely ranger struggling to crawl through the gravel stabs through your heart.
Maybe I understand probably a millionth of what God is feeling, for each and every one of us.

Feel like forgetting the world.

Oh well, trusting that God will make a way. Prayer.

Today was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day.
Didn't feel quite as long but it's literally a nasty 6 hours,
with at least 5 of it standing up, walking around and (trying) to be vigilant.
Push push push, push my limits.

I'm a happygirl95 with God in my life :)

2011-11-10T16:59:00.001+08:00

I know that You are for me.

Many things have been happening in my life, and I question the Lord so many times
on where His presence is. All I get is this acknowledgement that I'm a sinner.
It's so hard to get up when you've fallen down, and I thank my Mum for talking me
through, reminding me of how it's the acceptance of failures that makes me stronger.
That whisper in my ear that the Lord will always be there to lift me up, no matter what.
Glad I've overcome this, now going to focus on Missiontrip :)

Listening to it breaks my heart.
My prayer is that you'll experience His everlasting, unconditional love.
We're all going through this tough time, and it's now that we've to stand strong.
He wipes away all tears, and as much as I know He is for me, I know He is for you too :)

I admit it's disheartening sometimes, but every single time I feel defeated
God reminds me of His love and I pray, I pray.
Dear Lord, won't you just bring us through.

one more day,

2011-11-09T19:01:00.003+08:00

Back to you, it always comes around.

Hmm, many many things have been happening lately, hardly have the time
and energy to put up blog posts, but since I'm almost done with one prep, might as well squeeze in a little post right here right. Hehe.

I got a bad sense I'm gonna start getting busy again, so much that I'll neglect
some important things in my life. And I'm getting............. mixed feelings.
Gah, I guess sometimes priorities are hard to juggle but so what, just have to face them.
School tmr, with 2 more days to end of one prep (finally!)
I declare Friday rest day, pretty please.
Eeeeeeeeeeeee I wanna go bonkus already.

Need to pick myself up and run tomorrow, keep up keep up keep keep up.
Throw you in the flames and just burn man, just burn.

Tryna be strong, for you, for them. Tryna be strong. Tryna hold on.
Please, don't break it into pieces, please.

BTNR field trip just now, took manymany fotoessssssssssssss :> & imma damn tired now zz.

2011-11-07T22:14:00.001+08:00

Lost Generation.

I’m a part of Lost Generation

and I refuse to believe that

I can change the world

I realize this may be a shock but

“Happiness comes from within”

is a lie, and

“Money will make me happy”

So in thirty years I’ll tell my children

They are not the most important thing in my life

My employer will know that

I have my priority straight because

Work

Is more important than

Family

I tell you this

Once upon a time

Families stay together

But this will not be true in my era

This is a quick fix society

Experts tell me

Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce

I do not concede that

I will live in a country of my own making

In the future

Environmental destruction will be the norm

No longer can it be said that

My peers and I care about this earth

It will be evident that

My generation is apathetic and lethargic

It is foolish to presume that

There is hope

And all of this will come true unless we reverse it.

2011-11-02T17:35:00.000+08:00

Singing with a mic in hand in the middle of an open field,
Nothing would matter even if it came up to here.

tired.. :/

2011-10-28T14:16:00.002+08:00

okay, so I got a "lecture" from my mum cuz of not doing well for my subjects. a "lecture", because it was more of a talk than a scolding, but had a tinge of scoldings in it, but more on the talk. :/ or was it more on reprimanding.. or being a critique.. whatever it was, i just didn't like it, so it doesn't matter what it was, because ultimately it was still jarring to my ears.

so I took a step back, and reflected on the "poor" (or as so-called by my mum) grades I received. 4 As, 1 B, 2 Cs. top in chem/bio, and 3rd in class. MSG of 2.8-something, and had an awesome commentory by my teacher. nubbad ah. (: BUT NOT APPRECIATED.

And what made things worse was kim meng was being as arrogant as ever, and CRITICISED my grades. i mean, WHAT?! I slogged my way through this year to get what I got, and then you tell me that with my L1R5 of 15, I cannot go anywhere. its true, to a certain extent la, but you don't really have to say it to my face right? I feel that I've done 3/4 of my best, and maybe I shouldn't be so affected by what he said, but I just am. normally I would just let it go, but I feel so demoralised now, I just feel like screaming to the world, but who'd really hear me? :/

sigh, God, help me with this person, and my attitude towards him. Amen.

2011-10-27T16:25:00.002+08:00

If you carried the weight of the world upon your shoulder,
I know my sister that He will carry you :)

Was reminded of this song in the middle of school today when I just felt so overwhelmed.
It's such an old song but never fails to encourage my heart, God speaks in amazing ways, indeed.
When the winds seem so strong and the rain peltering ever so violently outside your window,
when everything seems so bleak and directionless, that's when the sail of God comes and promises direction.
I guess sometimes I'm too caught up in the ways of the world such that I get tired out so easily,
feeling this extremely consuming burden upon my existence on this earth.
I've gotten so tired, exhausted of the expectations, of the emotions, of the troubles.
But somewhere in the midst of all that God's voice speaks so subtly.
Even though there's this constant battle between hope and hopelessness, grief and gratefulness.

So many times I've asked God to stop everything so that I could just sit by His feet.
With nothing to worry about, with nothing to pain for, nothing that could take my heart away.
It keeps coming back, it does. And I admit I fall every single time.
Yet in my heart I know, I know that He'll lift me up.

It's been a challenge, it still is a challenge, it'll be a challenge.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours, dear God.

Asked Mr Liu if i could take double science, cuz of one simple reason- to split up my sciences. I mean, if I had 2 A1s, WHY WOULD I WANT THEM COMBINED TO GET A 90?! ultimately, it'll still be the grade, and 2 A1s beat 1 A1 anytime. :D and, I can't do chinese or ss, so I've to count on my sciences to get my L1R5 up. #facingrealitymuch

But then again, if i suddenly go up to double sci, I'll have to quit my going-to-start job which reflects badly on me, to study like some super mugger, and SPA's going to be annoying, cuz I missed a year's work of SPA, and not even mentioning sourcing out new pure sci textbooks, workbooks and stuff. and then, what'll happen to my combined sci stuff? :/ so many thoughts running through my head.

Whatever it is, God will have His way and if I'm meant to take double science, He will let me (PLEASE GOD), but if not, its alright, cuz jeremiah 29:11's always true ;)

2011-10-22T13:59:00.002+08:00

Because I know I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel :)

Mood these past few days had been sour and sucky.
Been questioning, thinking- tiring, exhausting.
School WILL BE a bore with the upcoming one prep.
Trust me, felt so lousy the entire day. constipating-worrying my butt off. Cuz of last night's bbq.
But anyway, really thankful bbq's all over now. Now time to worry for toilet breaks. Blah.

Muscle aching from thursday x.x

Dear you, I'm still praying.
For God to move and speak into your life.
From my heart to His, I pray He'll move.

Something God's been telling me amidst this chaos:
God will make a way, when they seems to be no way.

Off to do my Math bye.

2011-10-17T21:08:00.000+08:00

Sink, into the depths of the unknown.

Everything's becoming a blur.
It's so hard to hold on.

2011-10-16T10:53:00.001+08:00

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?

Regrets, and I don't mean those 'we were close but now we are strangers' kinda lovey
dovey emo semi gothic self proclaim (almost) love affair but just regrets in life.
Given up dreams when we were young just because of sudden impulses when
your threshold for pain at 8 years old was probably nearing none.
Everytime i think of it I'll just be filled with 'what if I had done it' thoughts
and the whole train goes chugging along but finally resigned to just a deep sigh.

Been just thinking about quotes on the Net or books telling you to be strong
and that nothing could kill you but only make you stronger kinda gets me skeptical sometimes.
It's just too good a scenario to be true when all you see at that point of time is
just bleakness and haze that came drifting along from the Indonesian atmosphere (literally).
Too many things ahead of you clouds your thoughts, just like how too many eggs
in a basket just increases the chances of you breaking all of them.

Just been reminded of the decision I made not long ago, and I'm started to
get a tinge of regret from it. I know I have made up my mind and nothing's gonna change but...
That conviction at that point of time is starting to fade, slowly and painfully.
How do you keep up that conviction in a world filled with reminders?

Been thinking alot about how difficult it is to keep this faith, so many rules to follow.
I'm almost overwhelmed by the outweighing number of don'ts, and the 'do's are just
an effort to counter the 'don't's. I get so exhausted sometimes, I really do.

Holding on.

Say it to me again,

hold on.

holding......

tightly......

loosing...

fading...

unfeeling...

i'm afraid..

gone.

2011-10-13T11:22:00.001+08:00

For a moment, :)

Post EOY boredom, kinda hard to get rid huh. Enjoying the times with friends though!
But after that it's like I'm sinking into my own little world of boredom, again.

Getting back the bulk of results next week and I am getting the slight jitters,
excited but scared at the same time but oh well, God will provide.
Can't do anything now that I've already done what I could right.

I think my posts are getting more boring by the day, just merely updating
about mundane stuff and my daily happenings. Sad that I can't go for aVenture :(

Till then,Bye, hope the weather turns out fine.

2011-10-01T19:30:00.003+08:00

So we will run, run together with our hearts aflame.

Math on Monday. Target: A1 ah ^^, not bad for this insignificant thing who can't calculate for nuts.
Oh well, I shall conquer it someday, keeping up the practice and prayer!

Have to start mugging soon, guess too long a break would destroy the momentum
and everything would just pile up like nobody's business in future.

Things are piling up like mountains,
but every step we climb another mountain,
so all the best everyone for the busy future! :)

Thankful to God for bringing me through.

Cheers, JE

2011-09-26T17:23:00.001+08:00

Hi, Mommy.

I'm your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We'll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.

... ... You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already.

Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy.

Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I'm happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.

I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy.

Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy?

You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?

It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more?

I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren't you proud of me? We're going somewhere today, and it's somewhere new. I'm excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait.

...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love you!

Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!

Don't worry Mommy, I'm safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did, and they said it's called an abortion.

Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don't you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I'm really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I'm really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you!

I love you, Mommy.

Every abortion is just…

One more heart that was stopped.

Two more eyes that will never see.

Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.

THIS MADE ME CRY PERIOD.

2011-09-26T16:47:00.003+08:00

Never thought, to ever think twice.

Have you ever wondered about the world? I do it all the time, unfortunately.

EOY's kicking in, just settled on a whole bunch of stuff to do, oh well.

I thought I might squeeze in a quick post here, before going to mug for EOYs and then tuition. ohman.

Listening to Lifehouse, soothing yet sad.

All my weekends are burnt due to some activity or another, praying.
sec4 life's catching up, slowly creeping in. In a good way I guess.
Have been occupied with my oh-so-failing schedule but sec4 life will be worse when it starts.
Busy bee, but better than rotting at home doing nothing productive!

Back to the world which ain't my home

2011-09-20T18:13:00.001+08:00

Cheers to the temporary freedom :)

All of my life, in every season, You are still God

Really thank God for seeing me through this whole period, and although there were
ups and downs that got me whirling up in my own little tornado, God still remains sovereign!
I guess God's teaching me to rely
on His strength and not worry for tomorrow because He's all under control.
I admit it's so hard to trust Him sometimes and this week has pretty much been up and down,
jerking about in my mini roller coaster trying to fully put my faith in Him.
Sometimes the word 'faith' has been used so much that you actually forget what it actually means,
and sometimes I really think I say it just for the sake of it without actually knowing it's meaning.
In this season of my life, God's teaching me about faith, that it's far beyond words.

So many things have been happening in life recently but it's still breathable :)
Days when I come before Him just so sick and tired of this world, other times
I smile because of the marvelous things He has revealed in my life :)
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere!
My heart is really blessed by His grace.

Good or bad, I'll have a reason to sing.

Quite excited for what's in store, believe God's walking me through it!
Believe it'll be fulfilling at the end of it though!
Many things to plan for. Not to mention my entire year end holidays are packed
back to back. Good thing, bad thing? Oh well, Jehovah Jireh :)
Squeezing in studies too.

Be it in a quiet pasture, or by a gentle stream, the shepherd of my soul will be my guide :)

I'm smiling because I know I have God!

2011-09-14T20:10:00.002+08:00

okay, so maybe project "hiatus" failed, but I mean, who doesn't like relaxing once in a while in the midst of muggerhood? (;

sch's been full of crap, needless to say, considering that more "drama"'s coming my way, and YES, I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT, but apparently that person doesn't care, and still insists on doing it. why? its perplexing to my brain too.

ah well. chionging this last stretch, nothing much academic-wise. just little improvements here and there, then that's about it. hah.

i miss you. i miss us. i don't like things to be this way but I guess its not much I can do, because the problem's really you. and maybe you think otherwise, but I know I'm breaking inside and that's what matters to me now. I know I can't fix anything, but I hope, just hope, with my little heart that everything will be okay..

2011-09-05T18:38:00.003+08:00

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep at night.

Counting down to EOY, Counting on God!

Patience my dear, patience. Although sometimes it feels like it's something you'll
get someday, somehow. Still, waiting a little longer just makes it a little better.
One life, live it. Sometimes I get the urge to throw it all away, do the things
I want to do, jump at experiences without thinking of the consequences...
but who am I to take the wheel than the Creator who knows me all?
Ah well, feel like this rebellious kid trying to test authority, help me.
To be honest, sometimes I struggle.

Dear Lord, I believe but help my unbelief.

Last stretch, I hope it'll pay off. Throwing in some Singlish to provoke English: Chiongzxzxzx^^
That was totally unnecessary but the meaning is there so oh well!

Shall not succumb to temptation:

Hiatus from now till EOY are over.
(total refrain from turning on the computer.)

Officially bidding farewell to the virtual world, [muggerwannabewannaaceeoy,hopefully95]

ps: still loving covers!
for now, sticking to (book) covers :/

2011-09-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

today's sermon notes haha :)

Missions - Emil and Sarah Lidé

What are missions?
1) Reaching the unreached
2) Missions are not a programme but a purpose.

Key verse about missions: Matthew 28:18-20 ( The great commission)

These were Jesus' last words. A person's last words are usually their most important, everyone listens to them.

3) Missions are not measured in numbers, but in transformed lives and influence.

It is not enough to fill our church, we must transform lives. The Kingdom is about transforming lives!

Killer line: Success for the church is measured in the streets, not in the seats!!!

It is not just enough to bring our friends to church. We have to continue to teach them "to obey everything Jesus has commanded you."

When we bring someone to the Lord, the work doesn't stop there. We need to continue to help them to grow till they reach the stage where they can independently serve the Lord!

4) Missions need not be overseas. They can be right here in Singapore.

More and more foreigners are settling in Singapore. We don't have to go overseas to find them, we can find them in Singapore.

It is easy to click with the lovable. It takes someone extraordinary to click with the unlovable.

Being a Christian means that we might have to be unpopular, or not do what our friends do.

5) Missions can happen anywhere, not just in a formal ministry.

Missions don't just happen in church or on a trip. It happens in life. Are we polite and accommodating of the people we interact with?

Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr are an extension of our mouth. We should not be cursing and swearing on them. We need to be consistent with our testimonies.

We are always influencing people, whether we know it or not. Our actions influence other's actions.

It might be difficult to live a good life. But Jesus is always with us, through the Spirit. We will never walk alone.

That's all. Have an awesome week ahead and God bless y'all :)

2011-09-02T16:30:00.000+08:00

♥

Love all my squadmates max

I guess we're all growing up, we are.

It's funny how the closer you get to that age, you're supposedly expected to inch towards those feelings.
Gazing upon your own picture, smiling at what seems like ultimate bliss but realise the sinister lying beneath.
Somehow mine's slowly fading, probably due to the past follies I committed, to the past twices I never felt shy about.
I think, at the back of my mind, I only view things as how I want to, creating that perfect image that probably
deems as the reason for my refrain, molding something to convince myself there's nothing such as perfection.
Although there's this dwindling feeling of forever wandering in this state till I'm immune, immune to the emotions.
Yet there's some hope that I'll rekindle those some time, maybe when I'm ready, because the past was not certain.

Lying on a patch of grass marveling at the vastness of the blue sky, wondering why I think of things this way.
Probably too caught up with the pain and discomfort coming from all these involvements, nose poking into
your own business is dangerous sometimes, way too dangerous. You suffer your own consequences, missy.

I don't want to think about it, please don't remind me. Every single inch of it.
The moment was perfect, but it's not now. Things change, people change.
Sometimes I look back with a hardened heart, I do.

All I want to do now is laugh and play and cry for all the right reasons, undaunted of the past, unafraid of the future.

2011-08-31T18:03:00.001+08:00

Looking through pictures really made me nostalgic, those times we were cadets was truly amazing :)
Actually I kinda miss life previously (not complaining about current life) where we have our own
comfy little classroom among all our other friends along the entire stretch of classrooms, the times :)
I miss recess with my squadmates, laughing our hearts out at practically nothing and playing
stupid games like scissors paper stone to see who has the honour of returning the bowls which
all belong to the same stall because we always queue for the same food :) Ah, times.
I miss complaining about our juniors who never seem to get their drills right and have perpetual attitude problems.
Things are just different now. Even when I go back, it doesn't give me the same feeling. Oh well.
Blue beret =/= Blue round hat.
Missing those 17 who impacted my life!

The mugging continues.
Haha that's life.
Short.
Sharp.

Harsh.

But.............................

I thank God every day for the destiny He has placed in my life :)

2011-08-28T09:55:00.001+08:00

\

Here in Your presence we are undone.

Back from service and cell, which I really really thank God for, from the bottom of my heart :)
During worship I just felt this resounding verse from Jeremiah, what I've been reading the past week.
And I guess I'm starting to learn more about faith, although I'm still far from grasping it's true essence.
As I was there I was just so grateful and in awe of His glory that was so magnificent.
Experienced what I haven't experienced before, worshipping God for.. God.
Past the lyrics, past the emotional experiences, past my circumstances.. worshipping God.
I really felt His presence so strongly, and I'm really thankful for what He has done!
Inner transformation.... so many things I have learnt just from this day of spiritual lessons!

Shall trust my time into God's hands. Looking at things from His perspective rather than mine,
seeking to fulfill His will and not mine, realising the importance of His glory and not mine.
Wow, really overwhelmed by the depth and magnitude of His power. Whoosh!!

For everyone I have in my heart right now, I pray.

OH, AND I KNEW TONY WILL WIN. :> I'm psychic. fwahahahaha.

2011-08-25T17:44:00.003+08:00

okay, so maybe my week hasn't been at all the best of the best. Let's take a look at what had happened, so I can roughly gauge my enjoy-o-meter for the week.

1. I have been suffering for 4 days, eating bread and pocky for recess, mainly cuz I'm pretty much saving for my electric, WHICH I KNOW, JESUS WILL PROVIDE :> just.. when?

2. After the worst seat reshuffling, I'm now sitting 2 seats from the front, beside a kid who is pretty self-centered, disruptive and enigmatic and I guess he's one of the negatives in the class. okay, so I might as well make full use of this and try to be his ~~BFF~~, no wait, ~~good friend~~, on second thought, friend. :D BFF is TOO DEMANDING and so is being his good friend. Being friends with him is an accomplishment in itself, okay. I'll probably take this "friendship" one step at a time, and maybe, hopefully, WITH JESUS WITH ME, I'll come to accept him as part of my social circle. :D JERLYN SHALL NOT JUDGE.

3. I haven't really been studying (which means more slacktime (yay), but stress later. argh.), and I'm still blogging every once in a while, so that just adds on the the wasted weeks, and EOY is coming. ONOZ. time to start mugging, Jerlyn!

4. I've been feeling so lethargic this week, and I couldn't focus on school, let alone chem tuition, and if I didn't have a graded assignment on amath, I would probably stone in amath tuition as well. which reminds me, chinese tuition tonight and poa tuition tmr. ARGH. so I got screwed by chem tutor, which is bad, cuz I don't normally get scoldings like such. ):

5. On a lighter note, I've topped the class in chem and chinese, woohoo. :D

so the ratio of bad vs good, is 4:1. bad dominates the week, like yay -.-

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

2011-08-22T19:00:00.003+08:00

If you keep your eyes wide open you might feel me here.

These few days has been about squeezing all the time to study, writing up essays and reading readings.
Finally felt the accomplishment of actually understanding and finishing and getting academics done.
Still have alot of things to learn, to chase after His truths and to comprehend His purpose.
Yet again Jeremiah is quoted in my life, to know that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me :)

Saturday was spent in church, with Dan Lian, and he's such an amazing speaker and was very practical and relevant! These few week's sermons spoke deep into my life I'm so grateful.
And there are so many things I've learnt during the past week and I realised how powerful God is.
Learning to give praise and committing my entire life to Him is challenging but I know it's worth it :)
Gained alot of insight about this career and profession I'm rather motivated to work towards it^^
Oh well, but it's God plan on what He wants me to do and I shall stick to it, obedience!
As what Mum says, take things one at a time. It really speaks into my life right now.
Ultimately, God will provide ;)

I know how God changes lives, how He shapes them, He moulds them, transforms them.
I see walking testimonies, living examples, disciples of Christ.
I want to be like them, I want to be like Jesus, I pray.

2011-08-21T09:14:00.001+08:00

“…His favor is for a lifetime…” (Psalm 30:5, AMP)

One definition of the word “favor” is an advantage for success. When you put God first, when you obey His commands, you open the door for His favor—you have the advantage for success! Even if someone may have wronged you and it looks like they have the upper hand, even if it looks like things are never going to change, you need to keep reminding yourself, “I have an advantage. God is in control of my destiny. He’s fighting my battles for me. He is my vindicator. And it’s just a matter of time before things change in my favor.”

I love the scripture in Hebrews that says, “Don’t cast away your confidence.” One translation says, “…for payday is coming.” In the difficult times, you have to remind yourself that payday is on its way. God is a faithful God. If you’ll keep doing the right thing, honoring Him and expecting His favor, God has promised He will pay you back. He will restore everything in your life that the enemy has stolen so you can live the abundant life He has promised to you!

2011-08-19T19:41:00.000+08:00

Prayer is an unnatural activity.

That's the first line in Bill Hybel's 'Too Busy Not to Pray' which got my innates stirring.
In deeper thought, it might seem like nothing much, but when I first read it, it struck me so much.

Prayer is an alien to our proud human nature.

So painfully true :( Been long since I felt close to God, with the hustle and bustle in my life.
Another instance that got me thinking was this author's (senior pastor) little testimony,
that after reading countless books on prayer, he ultimately decides to do something radical: PRAY.
Kinda struck me that pastors are humans too, realised how shallow my thinking was.
They have emotions, they have struggles, and I guess their occupation and the identity
that comes along with it led me to think of nothing less than the ideal that I have of this occupation.
Ah well, much enlightenment within the few pages I just started out with.
May the Lord bless the reading of His word! Looking forward to the revelations :)

I think I'm gonna read Pride and Prejudice next, seems nice.

Finally got some time off nowadays to just sit down and study, and I must say
that comes with a great deal of accomplishment knowing that you're no longer left in the dark.
Oh well, another tugging thought is that enough is never enough, education is limitless.
What is more frustrating is that you not only have to fight with time, but brain capacity as well.

Here's to another weekend packed with notes and the successful plan that hopefully carries through.

Cheers to good books and little anecdotes of information I got over the week.

2011-08-17T17:04:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered why everything you do just doesn't seem right?
Keep asking myself questions because it's scary putting a finality to things.
Wouldn't it be great if we all had questions that filled our head so that things wouldn't end.
Ironic.

Everything said is a reminder. Reminder of how much of a failure I am.
Sometimes I wished I had enough, just enough determination and discipline to pull through things.
I don't wish for excess, or exudingly amazing perserverance, just sufficient to get along.
As usual, when you're experiencing something you're not fond of, everything just seems on the downside.
Hate it when things are like that, hate it when I'm like that.

Often ask myself why aren't I a better person.
It's obvious enough that no one is perfect, but I'm not even close, not even.
Healthy yearnings? Wishful longings? Or just another mistake.
What's new right, mistakes. I'm always screwing up my own life.

I find it so hard to consider it pure joy, so hard.

2011-08-16T16:56:00.000+08:00

To sing, to dance, to laugh.

Like a wooden boat in the open sea with the waves threatening to devour the weakest,
even the most majestic of sails appear vulnerable in the eyes of the forlorn.
Wonder when's the next time it'll ever get to see the horizon again,
with an anchor in it's back and hope in it's soul.
Never wanting to wander off again, an excuse for a daring venture out to sea,
only to be greeted by the viscous unexpectedness that will tear it apart, eventually.
Blame it on curiosity, blame it on the persistence

2011-08-15T19:14:00.000+08:00

It’s only Monday and I can already feel the burn of what is to come. I can feel it. I am going to be stretched physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for the next few weeks. I will feel like giving up, I’ll probably sleep during classes, and yes I can already see myself crouching at one corner just bawling. People may just start disliking me, question my leadership and who knows, maybe talk behind my back. Heck, my results may plummet (which very sadly, is arguably my top concern). I just don’t know (yet) where God’s going with all this.

My only form of academic solace for now… is my above-average term exam results and the fact that I recently scored decently in the last Math test.

That is why I need now, more than ever, to rely on God, His will and His promises. It’s going to be one hell of a week but

I BELIEVE MY GOD WILL BRING ME THROUGH VICTORIOUS.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

To those of us who too, are going through rough patches and are finding it increasingly difficult to maintain appearances, may this verse give you some sort of encouragement :) We can do it guys! All things are possible with Christ!

2011-08-14T18:02:00.001+08:00

Almost there.

This week has been surreal for me. Actually, when I look back, I know I could have done nothing without God. He’s been there for me all this while. Not to mention the potpourri of academic pressure and coming release of results. But perhaps the highlight of my week, besides the nights when I come home, collapse on my hard bed and whisper “thank You God”; was my results.

Academia has become a very… I don’t know how to put it. It scares me how cavalier I am when it comes to results. I mean don’t get me wrong. I get discouraged with bad results and happy with good ones. But there doesn’t seem to be great enough an impetus for me to study hard. Studying has become very mundane and ritualistic to me; in fact, it’s totally fine to me now if I don’t study at all. Perhaps my pursuit of excellence has had such a desensitising effect. It’s difficult to explain the paradox, so I won’t strain my brain any further.

people’s voices kept echoing in my head. some people didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t go sheesha and clubbing and whatever nonsensical things. Better yet, one guy yesterday had to ask very suspiciously if I was in fact a Christian, just because I was giving my own objective view about SHSS’s effectiveness in spreading Christianity. Although he seemed impressed by my lack of ‘religious’ bigotry, it kind of stopped me in my tracks to think about the idea of radicalism.

Coming from an AG church, the idea of radicalism is something we hold very important to our faith. Even as I’ve been doing the 40 day fast, the theme of radicalism has been espoused both explicity and implicitly through the pages. I realised last night that while I tell people that I am radical for Christ, my self-assessment has been based on very simple things like (barely) standing up for my faith and making a conscientious and conscious effort to grow in God. Then I thought, perhaps it is the extent, scope and degree of radicalism that is the issue here. But that doesn’t seem very right because no matter the case, radicalism has to be balanced by tact and wisdom lest we exacerbate peope’s receptiveness to Christ. Then, in that late, dark night, in a cold, cold room, I gained a sort of epiphany.

The difference is our definition of radicalism.

Yet, while this justifies my current state of faith, I can’t help but think I’m perhaps too passive for a leader, for a disciple, heck maybe even for a Christian.

Hm food for thought aye.

2011-08-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

Carpe Diem: Seize the moment!

Like an insect nudging its way out of a spectrum of hard crystal, an entity of creative individuals faces challenges in expounding their passion. The sweat, blood and tears while fighting for our future are inconceivable. The unity while doing so –awe-inspiring.

It is near impossible to express in written words the quintessence of Grace. Few people in the right frame of mind would relish a communion on a tar-tiled floor. The savouring of local delicacies and playing of fond childhood games were held by a smoky road. Moonshine was a smiling ray of romantic embrace…

8 months fly by and now, the pupa has long metamorphosed into a royal butterfly.

It foresees the days ahead: where the path narrows into a straight line. Cambridge’s examinations draw nearer and nearer, like a stealthy net waiting to devour the oblivious butterfly. However, the queen is after all destined for greatness.

When its life is about to end, it gives life to many more caterpillars, leaving behind the continuation of its legacy.

Let our memories transcend the phenomenon of mental figments and become the derivative of that bright future ahead. Even as we strive for better, we flutter together as a colony of butterflies. None of our wings look the same, but we are still as ravishing…

As full of grace.

2011-08-12T18:04:00.001+08:00

The news came, and at first I was okay with it. Cause I know I did my very very best, and I was satisfied with what God gave me.

But reality just likes to prove our assumptions otherwise.

Deep down, I'm really not satisfied. I tried my best; but this is my best (!?) I mean seriously. I couldn't believe it. Screaming bloody hell in my head while smiling with everyone, like everything's ok. But it's not. You. I know you've been disappointed since the start of the year. But you honestly can't say I haven't been working hard. I accept the advice to reflect. But I refuse to acknowledge your accusations.

Just because I'm smiling when I do badly for my tests, doesn't mean I don't care. Man, I worry inside; but I pray. Just because I don't bother to take a second look at my poor test marks, doesn't mean I can't be bothered; it's cause I know if I look any more I'll break down. You know what. I'll tell you how hard I worked for this subject.

I mugged at night just to get those A Maths questions right. I sought tuition from classmates, churchmates, tuition teachers, etc. I studied A Maths before English. I studied A Maths before Chinese. 4 days free before the week of Maths and Sciences? I dropped everything else and dedicated the whole 4 days to practise A Maths. Brought A Maths everywhere; when I went out, when I went church, when I went school, when I went anywhere. Even at home, I kept A Maths close, just in case I had sometime to do something. Something that could help. Ever since term 1, A Maths has been my top subject priority. I haven't stopped mugging. It's just that I've curtained it. But now to vent my innnermost frustration, here it is.

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING BLOODY HELL AND ONLY GOD SEEMS TO HEAR ME.

On a lighter note, A1 for math & chem , A2 for bio , and I passed chinese :> PRAISE THE LORD YAY.

2011-08-11T18:53:00.001+08:00

Living on a prayer.

Sometimes the world sucks life out of you so quickly, so swiftly you're only left to realise after a long while.
Progressively, the expectations and ideals take away your time and energy, leaving you drained beyond compare.
Many times I ask God why things are the way they are, though I know the everything has a purpose.
I'm so frustrated with myself why I can never understand God's heart, his intentions for my life.
What a useless bum, sulking in a corner trying to figure out the reasons why, never stopping to understand.
Well maybe it's the self denial that I'm living in, refusing to recognise and acknowledge his will in my life.
I know things won't go the way we want them to, the Lord puts obstacles in our lives to test us, to groom us.
But I try so hard to accept His challenges, to know that ultimately I'll stand up under it.
Caught in this again: The soul is willing but the flesh is weak. (does prayer really work?) :(
Feel like beating myself up cos my faith's not enough, hate the way I fail God every. single. time.

So many things to consider now. It's a constant battle of the mind.

2011-08-10T22:12:00.000+08:00

The Escaped Convict:

Freedom by escape comes with a price; but reality is more cruel than anything merely said.

I trudged through the thick layers of wet marsh, gingerly wandering about aimlessly towards the dense and forsaken forest. It was pitch dark, and I was not clear if it was dawn or dusk. Still, my eyes were wide open, and my senses were ablaze - constantly aware of each visual detail in my surroundings. I had never been more clear-minded about the situation I was in, yet never more uncertain about my future.

Recollections played in my head like an old movie. I could still remember my time in the prison cell; I had befriended one of the female wardens who would pass by every now and then. The other convicts would throw uncouth remarks to express their lustful desires for her, while I would only stare at her beautiful face and radiance. I never fathomed how much connection a few exchanged glances could create, and it was before long that the female warden would stop by regularly to hold my hands and blow a short kiss. Her name was Monica, and she was the one who did everything she could to re-expose me to civilisation. She had the keys. She knew the safest route. She planned to meet me in the forest beside the prison once her shift had ended. After that, we would elope to Thailand with her passport, and a fake passport she had prepared for me.

My thoughts were suddenly cut short by the blaring sirens of prison alarms. I was now an escaped convict! The truth hit me as nothing less than a revelation. At the corner of my eye, I saw hordes of prison guards surveying the area with their blinding torchlights. I had to run! My timorous legs charged towards the depths of darkness as fast as they could go - freedom was being tugged away from my hands, and I was determined not to let go of what my love had so sacrificially worked for. In a matter of minutes, the opposition was nowhere in sight; but my whole body felt like a furnace. I removed the mammoth bars of black and white that clothed me, and collapsed onto the cold bed of mud to take a rest.

The next morning, I was awakened by the brilliant hues of crimson and gold that surrounded a nugget of reviving orange. How I missed seeing the sun! Freedom tasted so sweet - but not as sweet once I could embrace my romance when we see each other again. I returned to our agreed meeting place, around the entrance of the forest. Yet, for the entire morning and afternoon, the girl of my dreams had not appeared. Physically, I felt like I had a fever - the kind that a few beads of perspiration would not be enough to sweat off. Still, I waited patiently.

However, the day was about to come to an end, and there was still no sign of Monica. The brilliant sun was retreating into temporary oblivion, and thoughts raced through my head: Has she forsaken our love? Has she decided not to waste her life with an escaped convict? Could she be apprehensive over the fact that I once murdered my friend for hurling unforgivable diatribe at me? I pondered, and my mind drifted until voices compelled me to crouch and hide in the darkness.

"Did you hear? One of the prisoners saw Monica let that Reuben out. You know the guy who was charged with murder? Now Monica's been arrested and I heard she's probably going to be sentenced to life imprisonment!" One of the voices struck my ears like a broken chord. The rest of the conversation softened into the background as my own messy thoughts took over. Tears sped past my hot cheeks as it dawned on me that Monica had perhaps knowingly or unknowingly exchanged her freedom for mine. Our surreptitious escape to paradise was now nothing but an ask in memory. Our love that occured so fortuitously was now short-lived. Now I would spend the rest of my days as an escaped convict, alone - and I was terrified. I missed the solace that Monica used to give me. I missed Monica.

Freedom by escape comes with a price; but reality is more cruel than anything merely said.

Tell me you're touched ;D HAHAHA.

2011-08-09T23:33:00.001+08:00

I can officially say I've completed my NPCC-NDP-contingent amazing race 2011. Running around the CBD searching high and low for them was really an eye-opener for me, especially since I've hardly done this before, and yes, I have this sudden urge to do it again. It's sort of like a tour around Singapore, and it required much brain-power to think of the shortest route to wherever the contingent is, so as to not miss them, AND, not to mention the landmarks we've to figure out on our way there. For instance, we've to locate the helix bridge and promanade mrt station which required long walks from wherever we are.

Being a Singapore-idiot, I don't get involved in finding out Singapore's map, and so I can proudly announce that if you throw me somewhere in the CBD without the help of cabs, I WILL GET LOST. Yes, getting lost in Singapore is a pretty much impossible thing, but I WILL.

I honestly, and silently thank God for making me change my mind about wearing heels to this "outing" today, because even though I was wearing flats, my feet hurt like some !@#$%& after the "tour".

Mac dinner at 10pm IS NOT A GOOD THING, and i've to seriously start running now, if not I'd probably die of obesity soon >< oh well, the day's been pretty great, despite the sores, aches and some annoying bus number 3 stalking me :D

Camwhoring was BOOMZ. Oh, did I mention how great the fireworks were this year ? ;) I had expected a better finale, though, but it was pretty much satisfactory. The ending was pretty much the same as last year's though, which makes me wonder if it really WAS last year's leftover fireworks. AND, the order of the fireworks and pledge taking shit was quite screwed.. They spammed fireworks BEFORE the pledge, and some crappy shit AFTER the pledge. In my opinion, it should have been vice versa.. oh well. This isn't my problem, so I'll let the government settle their shit on this :D After all, its Singapore's reputation their upholding, and the world may be watching out national day parades on their tele. So whatever they do on NDP, its THEIR problem ;) Not like any of my thoughts can solve anything.

Speaking of politics, I've recently gained this sudden interest in poitics, but I'm not an extremist, so don't get me wrong. Just, interested in who our new leaders are. Everyone's criticizing Tin Pei Ling, like obviously, but I guess its true for someone who speaks before thinking. ahaha. Oh, and my money's on Tony Tan for presidency ;) GO TONY.

2011-08-08T17:21:00.000+08:00

HELLO EVERYBODY! :D i am in the awesomest mood i’ve ever been in :) and this isn’t even a mood, this is a state of being. i can’t begin to explain just how great i feel today.

i’m writing this, and in doing so i want to protect the preciousness of this moment, to know that i can always come back and read this and remember to take time and enjoy life for the way it is. God has made it so beautiful. honestly, the world is so so so so beautiful!

this feeling must be remembered, this state of being. what is it? it’s freedom. it is this invincibility. this doesn’t mean i cannot be destroyed, but invincibility comes with the knowledge that at any moment i can be destroyed, yet being completely at ease with this because i know who’s got my back :D (winks at the Big Daddy up there). it is a wonderful feeling. i am beautiful, i am free, i am successful, i am confident, i rock, everyone loves me, and those who don’t, don’t matter.

i honestly feel like i am at the top of the world! and it’s not because anyone told me anything, not because of a good chick flick or popcorn, not even because i’ve got great hair today, but it’s based on this foundation in my God, knowing that i don’t have to be best at everything, i don’t have to be the slimmest, the most beautiful, the most eloquent, the numero uno, i just have to be the best me there is! and if being this best me means i fail sometimes, then so be it! because i am still greatly loved and highly esteemed. and so are you!

oh i have so much more to say, but i really don’t know how to express this. this is happiness and joy at it’s finest in the afternoon. today i found a lil piece of me, a piece i thought had died. but hey! it’s here!

today’s the kinda day i wear what i want, i don’t need a bra, i don’t need make up, i don’t need a lot of money, i just be, i just am. and this, this is awesome :)

dear future Jerlyn, please remember this. when in school, don’t let the walls and the systems break down the freedom you’ve been given, don’t ever let the numbers, the grades, the opinions of the world take you down. you are the best there ever was, you are the daughter of the Most High, you have a love that can never be removed, neither life nor death, nor angels or demons, nor anything else can ever separate you from this love. this love is given to you, it’s yours. take it and remember the price has been paid and you are free! love the sun, love the rain, love everything that has been created! every moment has been given to you to make the fullest of it. whether this means you need to take some time off alone, or to just list down things that you appreciate, or excelling, etc whatever it is, do. and do it all in love, make someone’s day, heal a hurt, meet someone’s need, love somebody everyday. your weekly schedule means nothing in eternity, so don’t be bogged down by the to-do lists. you will lose things in life, you will get injured, you will be stepped on, but though this may be, you are invincible. not on your strength, no, but on His. and that’s all that counts, that’s all that matters. i love you, Jerlyn.. God loves you, even if you find yourself alone :)

2011-08-07T17:21:00.001+08:00

Did you hear that? The subtle, crisp crackle of ingenuity.
Do you feel that? The light, cool breeze that carresses your face.
Open your eyes and catch a glimpse of what lies before you.

Will you ever understand?
Will you ever comprehend the quintessence of what fuels our existence?
Or do you sway with the violent winds that destroy?
Worse, do you spearhead these erosional projects?

I recall the days not as long ago as they presumably are; where everything I did was executed with not only technical precision but also alacrity. This was when the prospect of success was most imminent and thus served as an incontrovertible impetus for accelerated progression. This energy coursed through every fibre of my being, such that even in the subconscious realm did I envision and relive my daily activities. Yet, although I was at the zenith of my potential, both demonstratively and inwardly; I still could not eradicate the innate fear of failure that buried itself under mounds of pep talks and mental psychoing.

Now, mask aside, I no longer have the facade I've grown to be comfortable with. Yet, the overwhelming sense of pretention devours my consciousness even more than before. Perceiving this from an analytical, almost academic point of view, I can easily attribute this paradoxical phenomenon with clear factors supported by paragraphs of arguments and if you want - thesis statements that provide unparalleled access and understanding such that even the most dim-witted may know what's going on. However, having the tendency to intellectualise emotions has proven, for me, to be somewhat ineffective in uprooting the main cause.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Ok, time to start actually doing something instead of just thinking about them + :)

2011-08-06T16:34:00.000+08:00

There are many things in this life which can be lost. Things which, or who, when gone, leave a scar irrevocable, a burning mark of Loss on your heart for time eternal. What then do we go when they leave us? What shall we be left with in their demise? There are many things in this life which can be lost. Some of which, are these:

Time, dear mister, who runs so swiftly by on tippy toes. Always scuttling past us in joyous occasions, yet stopping to tie his shoelaces when we’re out and down. Ah, Time, the one who mastered the art of Ninja, and has cleverly left us, never to return again.

Trust, the valued funds that keep us by, each bond we buy, each bond we break. She keeps the world tied up, one to another, with tiny threads that are barely noticed. Only remembered when in need of a favour, or when broken, as each fibre screamingly falls away. Trust, so precious and rare, like the silk of the worm, slowly boiled and spun out on a delicate spool. Like glass hands held together, transparent to the world, and fragile. Oh yes, so fragile.

Person. The sweet individuals whose souls make up our being. Each loved one, a piece of the heart so gentle. Each friend, a portion of your face. The laugh lines, the worry lines, and the lines on which tears travel. As each Person leaves, whether the earth, or your world, the fractions of our being leaves with them. Never to return. And even if they so rarely do return, never in the same wholeness.

And the saddest of all, Bandaids. Oh the lovely Bandaids which holds our broken skin together. Bearing the burden of blood and toil. The Bandaids which keep the little children from crying, or the grown women from walking barefoot. Yet as soon as they are used, they must be thrown away and must never be seen again. Alas, such is the life of a Bandaid.

There are many things in life which can be lost. And yet many, can again be found. Perhaps irrevocable, may be more vocable than we first imagined. Time, can be made used of fully, with shorter years of fullness much more valued than long years that yield no joy. Trust, can be rebuild again. The silk spun once more on the same delicate spool, the glass hands formed to walk on, one in the other. Persons, may walk back into your lives, and perhaps in different meanings. And new Persons are born every day.

Bandaids, however, are completely irrevocable. Bandaids are less vocable than anything in this world. Bandaids are things which must be lost in life. Used, stained, and thrown away. Only to be replaced by a new box of its comrades.

2011-08-05T16:33:00.000+08:00

What is it in people that makes them fall, crumble, break? To try and try but always end up in the ditches, groveling for forgiveness and searching desperately for a way out, only to fall in again?

What is it in a God who looks for me in the drain, picking me up, wiping off the dirt and washing me as white as snow? What is it in Him that makes Him love so unconditionally, forgive so willingly, and give so freely? Who am I that He should love me?

Every time i fall, trip, miss a step, i’m distraught and lost. But every time i fall, trip, miss a step, You hold me wordlessly and make me righteous once again. You really are Amazing Grace, God. I am so mesmerized by Your never ending goodness. So grateful I live to serve and love You and Your people.

2011-08-04T16:31:00.001+08:00

What makes a woman?

A woman is one who will balance out the multiple roles in her life perfectly, with humility, dignity, purpose, style and class. Though the roles in different women’s lives may differ, the main few stay the same: Daughter, Wife/Girlfriend, Mother, and Friend. Some women may be more effeminate than the other, some women prefer sneakers to high heels, some women can’t live without make up, while others find solace in roughing it out in the mountains. What we can’t do is to put a cookie cutter over the girls in Singapore, expecting that they all turn out exactly the same (God in all His creativity has made us all so diverse and colourful!). However, I believe in the few basic principles that a girl should live by. And this is how I try (my darndest) to be.

I strive to be a woman who is:
♥ Excellent in all I do (cook, dress, love, write, play, lead, clean, pack, read, teach etc)
♥ Full of dignity (dress to impress, not seduce; never stoop to gossip about someone who has hurt you, will never take life lying down, will not let people tell me I’m unable, believes that I am beautiful even if no one says it)
♥ Beautiful (ALL. THE. TIME. There is never an instance in which ugliness is called for)
♥ Loving (maternal, caring, inclusive..)
♥ Splendorous (Women who will adorn not just their lives, but other’s lives, with a portion of heaven’s splendor—Fight Like A Girl, Lisa Bevere)
♥ Virtuous (not conniving, not cheating, not manipulative, not lying, NOT GOSSIPY AT ALL! Etc)
♥ Fun! (we should add colour to this world, be full of life, don’t whine so much, take things with a pinch of salt, enjoy the beauty, also very sexy)
♥ Strong (inside and out! Who says only guys can carry boxes? And we really should tone down on the whining)
♥ Daring (dare to dream, dare to change, dare to do something new, dare to push for more, dare to ask, dare to believe)
♥ Wise (how else will we be able to teach our children? Or even live our lives?)
♥ Generous (in every way possible)
♥ Godly. (nuff’ said)

This list isn’t exhaustive, but basically what I want to be is kinda like this. That when people think of me, they don’t think of a manipulative, whiny wet blanket, they don’t think of a gossipy, two-faced backstabber, they don’t think of a needy weakling, they don’t think of a cheating seductress. But I want people to think of me, and think that I am strong, fun, daring, loving, beautiful, excellent, virtuous, and full of dignity.

We probably won’t be able to achieve all of this in our lifetime, but as much as I can, I want to be opposite of the (negative) stereotype of women. Women were not created to be weak and spineless. We were created to carry the beauty and splendor of God. We were created to serve the Kingdom, the men in our lives, the call of God. We were created for greatness, never to be mediocre. We were created to be wise, loving, and only we can be mothers.

Footnote: i apologize for all the times i have failed any of the 12 points stated above, and i acknowledge that i do so frequently. however, i am working towards being that 12 point woman. and hopefully, help to groom other girls into her too.

I can go out every night of the week
can go home with anybody I meet
but it's just a temporary high
cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you

2011-08-03T16:30:00.000+08:00

To look out the window in an empty room.

Back from OBS :)
It was quite an experience I must say. Encountered many different things.
Many things happened, expressions suggested everything, actions made things clear.
I guess it's quite interesting watching how people work, and I've learnt alot from everyone.
Watching from afar, observing the littlest of things from a distance, cropping scenes from an activity,
it really forms impressions and imprints on the heart, which can be really impactful sometimes.
I was so thankful to God for allowing me to see things I never thought of witnessing.
I've learnt alot from my classmates. I guess this camp was a totally new experience on my teenage life so far.
I've learnt about feeling for my classmates, taking time to understand them and their thinking,
talking to them to realise their concerns, their thoughts, to better appreciate them :)
It's really interesting watching friends. How they do things, how they think, how they talk.
Guess I somehow found what I was looking for. Still trying new things though!

Had my highs and lows throughout the camp. Questioned so many things.
It was a reminder to me that the mind is so extremely powerful.
Sometimes your mind motivates you, sometimes it just causes you to fall.

Overall it was a memorable experience I must say :) Ubin's fun.
Too bad had a back ligament tear, and was sent home :/
Oh well, emotions, activities, feelings, experiences, too much to put down in words.

My homework is doomed but oh well, trusting!
Start of a new week, reallllyyyyyyyyyyyy need to start studying for EOY :(

Ps: Somewhere with You (Tyler Ward) MV is damn good :)

2011-07-28T16:46:00.000+08:00

With the wind in my hair.

Have the sudden urge to stay home and mug the days away. Today was just another bad day. Didn't feel like doing anything, just felt like slacking around,
didn't feel like talking to anybody or responding to people's conversations, felt like asking everyone to go away and leave me alone, just felt like the lousiest loser on Earth. Urgh.

One of those days the day doesn't ever seem like it's going to end. Coming back home
just means returning to a pile of big shit you aim to finish but never ever seem to clear.
What a dreary feeling, the kind that forces you out of this earth, banished on some unknown island.

So tired out by Math, everything seems German to me. Get so worked up and demoralised
every single time I touch it. Pri school Math seemed a thousand times easier than this. Oh bother. I tend to put myself in some sort of loser reason behind my math-illiterate being, but either way the reality is that I'm a loser when it comes to Math.

or rather, everything.

Hopefully my mood shoots to the sky these few days and days can pass by happily.
Currently there's nothing much I look forward to, just a big puddle of academic debts.
Ah well, as much as I wish shouting to the sea would wash away every trouble, it doesn't work that way.

Here's to my ambition and my future, that I may put it in God's hands, completely.

2011-07-15T22:14:00.000+08:00
I didn't sign up for this.

I ask God why, why He placed certain people in my life. One of those times I feel so injustified.
Dear Lord, what am I supposed to do now? It's so easy to say I'm going to this and do that,
but what exactly will work, what exactly do you want me to do?
I'm so frustrated :(

I'm not your servant, neither do I submit to your beck and call.
I've tried to put across my opinions but what's the point if it's only going to be backfired?
What's the point of giving a fancy name to all those discussions when it isn't even considered one?
Really, I think it would be best if you did all your things by yourself since it's the way you want it.
I see no point in trying to work it out because it never will, you wouldn't even listen!!!
Suffocating.

What I would appreciate is a little appreciation. You make it sound as if I owed it all to you.
Which I don't, I really don't. Pushing responsibilities just because you can't fulfill them, what?!
And now it becomes my fault. In my moment of confusion and rashness I said yes.
Yeah so what if I did, am I obliged to do everything you command me to?????
This is the last time. I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for those who need it.

I was so caught up with the consequences that would come if I had spoke my mind.
I can't even do my own things, carry out my own plan without you interferring.
Now I have to comply to your plans, make sure they are all completed?
Know something, I wouldn't have signed on if I knew you were stepping in.
Call me irresponsible, but you'll never be in my shoes.

I'm so angry with myself.
I'm so disappointed with my choices.
I'm so annoyed with everything in this world.

:(

It's by far one of the biggest regrets of my life.

2011-07-12T18:30:00.000+08:00
‎8 rules to a better life :
#1. Never hate.
#2. Dont worry.
#3. Live simply.
#4. Expect a little.
#5. Give a lot.
#6. Always smile.
#7. Live with love.
#8. Best of all, Be with God.

2011-07-10T18:00:00.000+08:00
“You don’t need to give reasons for the things you do - you just have to do what you want. And sometimes the thing that seems messed up to everyone else is what’s right for you. You have to do it and not be ashamed for it.” -Kristen Stewart

2011-07-08T22:21:00.000+08:00
I learned a lot about friendships.

I lost people that were once my best friends.

I lost old friendships that I thought would last beyond sec sch.

People I once trusted ended up showing me the opposite.

Although I lost those people, I also built more valuable relationships with the people who stayed.

I kept the friends that really mattered. I gained stronger friendships with people who were there for me.

I realized that besides family, I only have a few people I can truly rely on, but that's okay.

Having a huge group of friends isn't that great when most can care less about you.

In the end, having a few valuable friendships with people who really have your back is always worth so much more. <3

2011-07-07T16:21:00.000+08:00
"you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face. you are able to say to yourself,"I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." you must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

2011-07-03T21:44:00.000+08:00
"why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother,'let me take the speck out of your eye' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -matthew 7:3-5

2011-07-01T11:00:00.000+08:00
I want a boy who will tell me when I`m being stupid. Who won`t baby me with his words. A boy who will still give time to his friends. A boy who will tell me ‘No’. He will watch stupid movies with me, but makes me watch his favorites also. A boy who`s willing to drop everything to be with me, but knows when to let it be. A boy who will know he`s important to me, but won`t mind when I change my plans to help someone out. I want a boy who`s enjoyable to look at, he doesn`t have to be gorgeous. I just want someone who I can pay attention to. A boy who will randomly bring me food, cause he knows I love to eat. A boy who can make jokes about me, a boy that I can laugh with. Someone who wont mind when I even embarrass myself. A boy who will buy me something, something I would actually want, none of that jewelry crap. Someone who doesn`t do everything I ask but when it comes to something important I can count on him to be there. Someone who I don`t feel threatened by. A boy who has other friends that are girls, but I can trust him with them. A boy who will know when to leave me alone when Ihave my stupid fits. A boy who I can just sit with. I don`t need the whole fairytale deal. I just want to feel comfortable.

2011-06-26T22:37:00.000+08:00

I ain’t a switch.

Laughing at things that ain’t the slightest bit funny :)

I tend to switch channels whenever I hear news on the radio.

Dear Lord, what’s your path for me?

School and misc is burning a hole in my non existent pocket.
Gahz, time to scrimp and save and go on a diet.

2011-06-03T19:36:00.000+08:00

You know something, sometimes I wonder why.
Wonder why God made me this way,
why He put me in certain situations,
why He allowed these things to happen.

& I get so frustrated.

Questions that surface, I call it confusion.
It’s mighty true what they say, words can’t express feelings.
And even if they could, it wouldn’t beat the actual tangibility
of it all, the explicit gnawing of the organs, the deception of it’s might.

Fingers will never find their way anywhere,
yet feelings can penetrate without a reason.

They say we’re overly sentimental.
And I couldn’t agree more.

Dear Lord, hear my cry.

2011-06-01T22:36:00.000+08:00

Remove from me this heart of stone.

2011-05-31T19:50:00.000+08:00
Health:
1.Drink plenty of water.
2.Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4.Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.Play more games.
6.Read more books than you did in 2010.
7.Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
8.Sleep for 7 hours.
9.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
1.Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2.Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
3.Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
4.Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5.Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
6.Dream more while you are awake.
7.Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8.Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9.Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
10.Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
11.No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
12.Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13.Smile and laugh more.
14.You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
1.Call your family often.
2.Each day give something good to others.
3.Forgive everyone for everything.
4.Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
5.Try to make at least three people smile each day.
6.What other people think of you is none of your business.
7.Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
1.Do the right thing!
2.Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
3. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
4.The best is yet to come.
5. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

2011-05-27T22:35:00.000+08:00

You may never live to find it.

Look out of the window and you’ll never find it,
Only because you speak faster than you listen.

2011-05-26T18:34:00.000+08:00

For a moment in silence.

Thought I once told myself that I’d never cross that line.
Now it’s more vague, the status of it all just comes across as a fog.
Stop dead in it’s tracks, stricken of movement from all it’s advances.
Gaze a little longer, feel a little stronger, stirring a little faster.
The irony of it all, I guess I’ll never be able to understand.
What’s new, there wasn’t anything available for me to grasp anyway.

In between the silence, questions surface like ripples at touch.
How am I supposed to react when it’s all a depressing blur?
Don’t tell me it’s true, because I struggle to believe in it.

That’s the problem, I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.
And I don’t want to think about it, because it’s exhausting.

:(

The body doesn’t give up till the mind gives in.
All that I felt for, it means something I guess.

You could give me all the paint but forget the canvas.

2011-05-20T22:34:00.000+08:00

Think before you speak. What if the girl you were making fun of for being ugly, got into an accident and that is why she looks the way she does? What if the boy you made fun of for being shy, was abused when he was younger and now doesn’t trust people. What if the girl you made fun of for being emo, cuts herself because of the words you say behind her back. What if the kids you make fun of for being fat, can’t lose weight because they have a medical problem. What if the kids who do drugs and drink, do it because they grew up in a household where drinking and doing drugs is the only way to escape reality. What if? Think before you speak. You could walk on water, if you just believe.

More than that, I hope I make it through, if that’s what God wants me to do.
Sometimes it’s hard to trust, especially when everything seems so bleak.
But it’s the power of faith that comes into play during these moments.
To step out, to believe, to conquer, to lead, to survive. When you fill a bottle with too many things, it overflows. Unmanageably.
Are you disappointed beyond words, or just too used to telling a lie?

2011-05-15T16:33:00.001+08:00

In the middle of nowhere.

I’d speak of so many different truths and never once realize which is true.

Don’t know if it’s the conviction or just another passing feeling.
Here comes the tsunami of thoughts, a gush of what seems like the truth.
For some say it’s what these come to be, you’ll pass and carry on.
Stuck in the middle of this crossroad surrounded by whirlwinds
threatening to devour your conscience every single moment.
Don’t be caught off guard, cuz it’s what you need most.

Have you ever felt so frustrated because you can’t seem to decipher what’s
right and what’s not, and even if you subtly knew it was true, you force
yourself to believe it’s not? Sometimes you slip into those shoes, and other times you’re thrown off.
A million punctuations essentuating your life, every inch of emotion destined,
questions left unanswered, reasons to those doubts close to none.
A reminder, a warning, instant gratification.

If only things were more explicit, and thoughts weren’t so controlling.

So tired nowadays, welcome to my life.

2011-05-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

For a million in exchange.

I’d reach for the horizons and keep it beside me if I could.
I would do so many things if only I could.

I’m sorry, everyone.

Sometimes I just feel like closing my eyes and never get up.

‘For the freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore,
and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.’
Galatians 5:1

2011-05-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

I just had this thought, of me, getting caught in the rain, and someone running toward me from nowhere and sheltering me with his umbrella. :D hehehe

2011-05-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

Needles in the sand.

Feels like I’m threading on water in the dead sea.

There are so many things to consider, to think about, to evaluate.

It’s the differences that make everything so much more complicated.

Like the horizon, it’s so far away. You know it’s there, but you can’t do nothing about it.

“I need to talk to you.”
If only you could live my life for me, then you wouldn’t have to worry so much.
Sometimes I really wish I could double up as someone else.

Why do people like to do that so much.

Sometimes in the middle of nowhere you start to think,
with the wind in your hair and the road long ahead.

I’m so tired.

2011-04-30T17:31:00.000+08:00

This, that, this, that, this, that, what????????????????

I wasn’t prepared, and I don’t ever want to be :(

What immature thinking, but sometimes you can’t help but want things
to go your way no matter how impossible it may seem. But still, thoughts come.

It’s extremely frustrating, at the same time thought revolting.

Each and every new day, there’s something new that pops up.
All seemingly present in the intention to add to your agony.
There isn’t a physical representation to tell it that it’s enough,
because there will never be. And yes, someone would tell you it’s just sad, again.

Why aren’t there specific definite answers to things.
I hate it that everything comes down to: There’s no choice, accept it.

It’s a lifestyle, yeah it sure is.

2011-04-23T22:30:00.000+08:00

Resonate.

You can’t pour rain back into a cloud.

I wonder why sometimes too, why things happen.
It’s hard to decipher this from that, especially when there’s
this fine line in between that threatens to devour everything.
There’s black, there’s white. And there’s also grey.

‘Don’t give up.’

‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’
Deuteronomy 31:6

I’d fold my fingers, and whisper a prayer

2011-04-13T16:30:00.000+08:00

I don’t even know, it’s as though everything that happened was yesterday.
To the voices I wish I could turn my back, to the world I wish I could run.
It didn’t make sense, never did from the start.
The silent progression into an obligation, the slow murder of self identity.

How the rays of the sun bring warmth, it’s rays deceiving you of it’s intentions;
to rid all sense of sight, a blinded path towards a bleak horizon.
When you’re stuck at the crossroads you’re made to think a little further,
want to jump a little higher, yet you’re still miserably chained to the ground.

When you’re immersed into a world you know you’re not part of,
it feels as though it’s all a big mistake. And usually, it is.

Still don’t understand, still not believing.
How I like to tell myself to just let go, some things ain’t meant for you
to comprehend, so stop roaming in circles. Something inside persists otherwise.
How I like to tell myself.

2011-04-03T11:01:00.000+08:00
The longer I live, the more i realise that the impact of attitude on life. attitude to me, is more important than facts. it is more important than the past, education, money, failure, success, and what other people say, think or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. attitude will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. we cannot change the past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. we cannot change the inevitable. the only thing we can do is play with one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happen to me and 90% how i react to it.

2011-04-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

When you’re stuck at the crossroads with the wind in your hair.
When you’re clutching on to something, afraid to let it go.
I know you have to let go of what you have in order to get hold of new ones.
But what happens when you don’t know which one is more worth it?
It sucks when you have to make decisions you don’t know the outcome of.
I’m finding it hard to grasp everything, choosing just makes my head go mad.

2011-03-26T22:29:00.000+08:00

It has been raining the whole day. And yes, THE WHOLE DAY.
Wonder what’s wrong with the world, -digs up past geog notes-

Weather’s been realy incredible. hahaha. Best for sleeping in, but i’ve got school. argh.
The thought of waking up early in the morn just turns me awf, really.
Haha, but I’ll have to get used to it, sadly! Birds chirping leaves rustling.

It’s crazy how I still do it anyway.
I know I’m gonna fall, I have a gut feeling. It’s always like that.
Once bitten twice shy, just too stubborn to admit it.
It’s insane sometimes when we know it’s not going to work out but
we still believe in it with all the weird reasons, and when reality happens,
we’re left sulking in a corner overwhelming with self despair.
We’re just mad people in a mad world, I’ll admit.

I won’t.

2011-03-25T22:25:00.000+08:00

It’s like walking on a tight rope blindfolded.
You don’t know what’s ahead, but you know you’re going somewhere.
You’re afraid of falling, yeah you’re so freaking scared to death.
A slip and you’re gone, a step and you’re closer to the other side.

It’s contrasting. I guess everyone’s just different. How they handle things.

I’m intrigued by the extent of its truthfulness, the ditched barriers.
It’s strange but it’s somehow encouraging. Definitely an insight. Hmm.

Don’t ask me cuz I don’t know. Once again, I really think I’m insane.

Source: johndaily

2011-03-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just don’t know what you’re doing, but you just do it anyway.

Things in life come and go, so they say.

Some things you’ll just have to live without explanations I guess.

Standing at the sidelines watching tension grow between people- awkward.

Suddenly reminded of Adam Lambert and Katy Perry’s songs.

(Cheers to the randomness of my puny brain.)

2011-03-07T22:26:00.000+08:00

Yes, I feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, hoping to start again.

Have you ever struggled with identity? I know everything we do we should do it unto the Lord, but I’m so afraid it’s only going to be head knowledge. It’s hard to walk your talk. A dilemma, a confusion, a delusion, a decision.

Stuck in the middle with strings attached all around. A tug and you’re supposed to lift your hand. Another jerk and you’remade to dance around like an idiot. The saddest thing is that you can’t do anything. I think one of the saddest things in life is that you see something, you know something, or you’re in a situation where you don’t know what helps and what would only make things worse, and you can’t do anything about it.

The feeling of being apprehensive just makes things worse. How do you think out of the box when the box is the only space? I’m beginning to doubt, to question the intention of it all. I would be the biggest coward if I were to give up now, but I know I won’t. It’s just that sometimes you just get this kind of feelings and emotions, probably to make you fall or make you feel more motivated to carry on.

I ask myself why I did it in the first place, and if it may be considered regret, so be it. I hope it’s just a passing feeling. I really do.

Incompetency, how I wished if we said it’s going to be a lifestyle,we could just lay aside everything else and do what we can to make it the best.
The thing is, I just can’t. I’m really sorry for everything I didn’t do right.

It really sucks to know that you’ve given up some important things for others,and you can’t seem to see the benefit of it all, the pushing force that got you started. It just slams you right down on the floor, and you’re struggling to find it again. People ask me why I do it, and honestly, I don’t know. How do you know if you have made the right decision? Some say you won’t know until you’ve tried. And what if you tried and realized it’s not good after all, and you can’t go back to that crossroad to make another decision?

I feel like a selfish idiot

Listening to concrete angel now, maybe its not really physical hurt that im experiencing, but more towards the emotionl hurt that “She hides the bruises with the linen and lace”.

2011-03-03T22:59:00.000+08:00
Guys, some girls no matter what you say, just naturally have a low self-esteem. They don’t like to think of themselves as great or pretty or perfect, even though in their boyfriend’s eyes, they are. To help get your girlfriend’s self esteem up, there’s really one thing you can do, keep loving her the way you do. The more you say she’s beautiful, the more she’s destined to believe it. Give her compliments. Tell her how beautiful she is, how much she lights up your world. Compliment her on her specific features. If she thinks she’s ugly, it’s your job as the boyfriend to tell her she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. If she thinks she’s fat, it’s your job to tell her otherwise. Girls don’t get tired of hearing compliments from their boyfriend, even if they say they do, they appreciate it.

Not a single day should go by when you don’t tell your girlfriend that she’s beautiful. The more you tell her, the more she’ll believe you. All girls who have boyfriends want to hear those words from them, it makes them feel important. Never be afraid to say “I love you.” Stare into her eyes, brush her hair, and kiss her passionately. Tell her how much better she makes your life, how much you enjoy spending time with her, how you’ll never leave her side. Girls love this feeling of security. Create a future with her you know? Most importantly, mean everything you say. Support her whenever she needs you. Allow her to build confidence in you. Spend time with her, and be there for her as a shoulder to lean on.

Appreciate her as your girlfriend, your best friend, your partner, and your lover. If you give your girlfriend that one reason to keep smiling then her self-esteem can only go up. Make her feel pretty, make her feel loved, and make her feel needed, if you can do these three things, then not only will she be more crazy in love with you, but she’ll see past her insecurities and realize that she really is the girl you see her as. After all, you didn’t choose her for nothing right? Show her why you love her, why she’s special to you, why she’s the highlight of your life, and her self-esteem will rise in no time.

2011-02-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

In the potency of it’s mysteries.

What goes around come around, so they say.
Mind’s filled with circles that come around way too many times,
and it never gets exhaustive. I question and it just spins faster
in response, must be that circles literally have no end.

Listening to S Club 7 HAHAHA so old skewl.
Have been thinking of doing reckless crazy things nowadays.
Figuring this out is worse than solving an Amath problem. :/

2011-02-13T22:22:00.001+08:00
I srsly wonder how my seniors did. I feel kinda nervous for my turn. will it be tears of joy, tears of sorrow, i dont know. :/

The only thing I hope is a lie.

Times when you wake up and hope that everything would be better.
Last night’s worries fade away just like the darkness to welcome day.
A glimpse into the abundant life God had planned for you to have,
yet hindered by the harsh realities of this world.
Sometimes your heart is just filled with that deep longing and desire
to follow wholly after Him, yet the flesh is weak to abandon the enticing world.
We’re just drifting.. Anticipating.. Longing.. for a better tomorrow.

Emotions- they betray us a little too many times.

It’s amazing how some things just evolve into a deep set situation
where you’re left defenceless and confused, mocking at the stupidity
of what is scientifically called a brain, or probably a mind.
The most frustrating thing is, you don’t even know how to get out of it.

2011-02-11T18:50:00.000+08:00
I want a relationship where ;
♥when people look at us , they be like ” i want to be in a relationship now ”.
♥we go shopping together.
♥we make fun of each other , but come out stronger at the end.
♥we’re each others best friends.
♥we take cute pictures.
♥we match our outfit on some days.
♥we can never stay mad at each other for so long.
♥we show off each other to everyone.
♥at the end of the day we’re happy we’re together , no regretting.

2011-02-11T17:23:00.000+08:00

I srsly wonder how my seniors did. I feel kinda nervous for my turn. will it be tears of joy, tears of sorrow, i dont know. :/

The only thing I hope is a lie.

Times when you wake up and hope that everything would be better.
Last night’s worries fade away just like the darkness to welcome day.
A glimpse into the abundant life God had planned for you to have,
yet hindered by the harsh realities of this world.
Sometimes your heart is just filled with that deep longing and desire
to follow wholly after Him, yet the flesh is weak to abandon the enticing world.
We’re just drifting.. Anticipating.. Longing.. for a better tomorrow.

Emotions- they betray us a little too many times.

It’s amazing how some things just evolve into a deep set situation
where you’re left defenceless and confused, mocking at the stupidity
of what is scientifically called a brain, or probably a mind.
The most frustrating thing is, you don’t even know how to get out of it.

2011-01-29T22:49:00.000+08:00
I want a boy who i will never get sick. He would read my favorite books and watch my favorite movies, just to talk about them with me. He would get me so mad I can’t even think and then kiss me out of no where, making funny faces just to make me wear a smile on my face. He would laugh at all my jokes, no matter how stupid they are, and pretend to like my friends, even though we both know they’re the biggest losers ever. He would hold me when I cry, and he’d know when I say I’m cold, I really just want him to hold me. He would hold open doors for strangers, and would never miss the chance to hold my hand. He would give me hugs and tell me jokes that aren’t really funny, but make me laugh anyway, and he would put up with my bullshit. He’d teach me how to play sports and play hide-and-seek with me. He would tell me I’m pretty, but not too often, and surprise me with notes and love letters in my mail. He would walk with me outside, even when it’s cold, and know what to say to make me feel better. He would always cuddle me tight just to keep me warm. We’ll always study together when exams are here. He never make me cry on purpose, only by doing things that i’ll be touched. He wouldn’t mind when I talk during movies, or interrupt his stories. He’d become friends with my family and have dinner with us. He wouldn’t be embarrassed to kiss me or tell me he loves me, ever, and he would let me buy him stuff when i feel like it, and listen to the music I like, even if he thinks it sucks, and he would share his music with me. He would go to the beach with me, and when I’m tired he’d let me fall asleep in his arms. He would always know how to make me smile, and he would sing to me. He would call me just to say i love you, or to tell me he was thinking of me. He would tell me his secrets, and let me tell him mine. He would be my best friend plus valentine, and he would never, ever break my heart. ♥

2011-01-24T19:20:00.000+08:00

After all that, didn’t it come back to the start again.

The root of everythng that made sense, or rather, didn’t.

Stupified- actually I saw it coming anyway.

Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.

I’ll admit I’m guilty of it. Im human too.

Just that I hate to accept that.

yeah, im at home now. while my squad’s happily bowling. damn, i miss NP. its kidna hard for me to say, but yeah. :/ ohwell. i brought it upon myself anyway. so i cant rly much complain.

sighs.

2011-01-16T22:24:00.001+08:00

Lord, take me where you want me to be, you know me best.
Paranoid at how the education system is so darn competitive.
Oh wells, at the end of the day, something would work out, eventually.

2011-01-13T22:20:00.001+08:00

I’m gna live by this verse for 2011 : “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.” Col 3:23-25

what other better way than to start the new year with a verse ? (;

Have you ever felt so messed up you don’t even know what to feel?

Feel like you would like it pretty much to become stagnant, for time to just release whatever it wanted to, to decide for you what’s gonna happen.

Suddenly feel extremely tired to have to settle these kinda stuff.

Back track back track back track back track back track.

Every one is a different experience, and when you thought you had it something has to just come and tarnish it, make you feel like your judgement’s just a big mistake.
Someone publish my name on Fools 101 pleez.

I remember myself wanting to dig a hole and put myself in it sometime ago, and I think that ridiculous urge is creeping back. Not that ridiculous after all.

2011-01-04T22:37:00.000+08:00

Spinning when you’re standing on the ground.

Know something, I won’t go plunging down just because there’s a current.
And apparently the current isn’t strong enough to deter the path,
so I’m just going to stand here and not budge, call it over the top, I dont care.
There’s something I believe in and feel for so I’m not changing it.
Whatever comes, whatever will go. Nothing worth retaining.
If it makes it any better, I’ll empatize.