“I'd whisper a prayer.”

Ah jerlyn, you stupid stupid girl.

What were you thinking? /: there's no way that will come true, so stop dreaming, start facing reality.

I can't believe you were just so stupid ugh.



Can't take it anymore, disintegrating. Doesn't matter if you don't want to listen, I know no one wants to anyway.

Don't want to take it anymore. The side effects are killing me. Especially in a time as this.

Its hard to go forward, when everything is against you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, I really really wish from the bottom of my heart that everything will go away.

Its not within my control, that's what makes it so frustrating.

Things had happened, and my heart's desire is to bury it 10 feet down and never dig it up again. Never to be heard of, never to be spoken of.

But the main thing that dog me recently was judgemental people. I really hate it when I tell people my ambitions and they go like,"continue wishing, because it's tough, yadayada." just because I'm a retainee. what kind of injustice is this? So only pure science people can be lawyers, pure science people can go to junior colleges, pure science people can do this and that and combined science students are just spposed to feel inferior? JUST BE QUIET OKAY.

I know its tough, i know i'm a retainee. But the sweetest thing of my retention was that I picked myself up, and I'm going along pretty well. Better than before. I wouldn't mind telling people I'm a retainee, because I KNOW that after i say that, I will be a living testimony that failures are only temperamental. Its how you pick yourself up and MOVE ON that matters. And eventually, even the NT people might be a pure science student's boss, for that matter.

The world is just so judgemental, and it just irritates me that people are looking at normal students and retainees like as though we are out of their league, and like, COME ON, grow up. Looking down on people WONT make you look better, it makes you look worse. Because even though you might be a straight A student, your character sucks, and thats what really matters to me.

I dont really care if anyone is offended by this because this is the actual fact. The truth hurts, and if you have read up to this point and feel guilty for rubbing your stupid paper in people's faces, GO AND APOLOGISE TO THEM.

It sounds stupid, it sounds insane, but do it. I can testify that I have nearly attempted suicide from the pressure caused by this comparisons, and for all you know you might save someone. I don't know, and I can't say anything, but honestly, this comparisons and statuses hurt, though it seems alright on the outside.

I'm not perfect, I admit, because when I had become part of the A-student group last year, I got arrogant and rubbed it in people's faces, but I've turned around and don't care about stupid grade comparisons because I realised that it only makes people feel worse. And it doesn't bring me joy seeing my friends all melancholic about everything.

The feeling sucks.

I've concluded that people work hard for themselves. I used to think lowly of myself, but I realised that I only think lowly of myself because of society, which judges so cruelly and made me feel inferior. But I realised that I'm capable of so much more than a mere office woman sucking up shit from the people above me.

I WILL PROUDLY SAY I WILL BE DOING SOMETHING THAT IT MEANINGFUL AND SATISFACTORY TO MYSELF, UP TO MY OWN STANDARDS.

I aspire to be a lawyer. Defend those on death row, give others a second chance to live, to repent. I believe that I WILL impact somebody's life, and THATS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

who are you to judge? (;

Feel like leaving everything behind, right now.

Why must everything be the way it is?

Im tired of thinking. Im getting massive headaches. Please come to an end. I want to be strong, I don't want to crumble. Tinges, heat, agitation, Im tired of it. I want out please, I want out.



Adiou, my dear. For what happens, happens for a reason.
There may come a day our paths may cross, I can't guarantee, but for now, so long darling.

I love you.

Tugging at the heartstrings. How I wonder why this happens, no point crying over spilt milk.

Live, and take life as it is, I'm not prepared for this. I don't want to prepare for this.

Is it too late for an apology? Appreciate, and love.

Sometimes I ask God why didn't He make things easier, created me a little smarter, make the world around me a better place.

I guess too many times I've fixed my eyes upon things that are so temporary, and even worrying about this earthly life that I wasn't destined to live forever.

Too many times I forgot to thank God for my trials, my struggles, my anguish- for I wouldn't be the same without them.

As I go through each season of life, I ask God what is it He's teaching me.

In my heart I yearn for a change of heart, that I may no longer dwell in the tents of the unrighteous but walk upon this journey He laid out for me.

It doesn't take extraordinary faith, in fact you just need it the size of a mustard seed, but it takes an extraordinary step.

Dear Lord, take my hand and walk with me. I don't have to leap yet, but I need to take that step.

The world outside overwhelms my spirit, but Your love demands my soul- and so, take me as I am.

lyrics- they explain everything.















For you, my dear.



Im living my own life;

Admit it or not, I guess sometimes we wished we were others, imagining what it would be like if we have what they have, think like they do, live like no one cared.

Deep inside you know the kind of life you'd deem to suffer, but yet you still yearn.

Well aware of the consequences and the side effects but I guess that's when the test of temptation comes in.

Walk by faith and not by sight.

Its easy to say that God will provide but sometimes it take long to sink in.

Faith doesn't need any explanation, it doesn't have.

Many times I wonder why the world works this way, Im kinda tired.

Then I try in my insignificant self, to try and imagine how God must feel watching us waste away like that.

So many times I wish I was a better person, that I may please Him in all I do.

But we fall, I fall.

Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself.

Something I pray I will have.

The clouds in my head are overwhelming, rain, Jesus, reign.